the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
