Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
