I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
