Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
