There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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