I hope mine doesn't look like that
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
