I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
