At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
