Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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