Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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