you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
