Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
You're my little dorito
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
