I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
