You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
