five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
