I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
