Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
