I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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