she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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