They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
