So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
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I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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