nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
