don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
