Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize