Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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