Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
