my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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