What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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