Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
