trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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