I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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