I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
