YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
