and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There's always time for handjobs
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
