Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
