dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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