I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i may or may not be watching the land before time
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
