Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
