Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
