I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
