Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
