It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
