True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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