were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
