As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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