i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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