you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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