Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
