i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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