I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You have to summon your inner elephant
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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