I'm drive I can fine osifer
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
