So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I need a beard to bite.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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