so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
