he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
