oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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