Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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