I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Randomize
