were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
